Behind the Scenes
[mk_dropcaps style="fancy-style"]O[/mk_dropcaps]ne of my favorite quotes from Ps. Steven Furtick is "Don't judge your behind the scenes to someone else's highlight reel." How easy this is to do, but so important to break this pattern in our inner worlds. I've been thinking about how when you Step Out (as I shared last week), that the discomfort that follows is so glaringly to us but we can't see it in other's lives. To help you not feel alone I'm going to share some of my personal "behind the scenes" emotions and perspectives today. This is not something that is easy for me, let me be really clear. My husband would agree... I'm the internalizer. I like to sort everything out on my own before sharing it. However, with his help, I realize how important it is to share. To normalize the feels that creep in so they don't control us, but we can direct them. I pray you find yourself in one of these, and I'd love for you to share some of your own by commenting below. This is not a vent session, but whatever you share do so with the intention of liberating someone else. I promise you, you are not the only one. God built us for real relationship, not social media filtered relationship.
How I really feel when I...
Speak in front of a small group: "Why are they having me do this? Yes I want to do this, but I'm so unqualified for this. There are so many other people who are way more polished than I! Ok, this isn't about me, God gave me a voice for a reason and I will use it as He leads. Even with that though, my mouth is getting dry, I'm sweating, I'm over thinking every gesture I make. Each time I do this, it does get a bit easier, but man I'm still uncomfortable. Will that ever go away?"
Film the Twelve to Well videos: "Why did I commit to this? I really don't like watching myself in videos, will anyone else find value in this? I know I stumble through some words, but I'm not perfect. I'd rather people see the real me than the made up me. I hope that is good enough for them and it adds some value. At least I'll grow in my comfort in front of the camera while I do this. I pray God uses this to grow me in other ways as well with how much of a stretch this is. If people only knew I have used up all the storage on my IPad that I'm filming these on, and am struggling to edit them. How the heck do you post videos from You Tube using Hootsuite anyway?"
Introduce myself to someone I don't know: "Wow I feel awkward. Do I know this person? I sure hope not because I can't remember her name. Ok, how to start this conversation... I hope she doesn't pick up on the fact this is really uncomfortable for me. I don't want to make this uncomfortable for her but I really do want to get to know her. If only there was a job where you officially introduce people who don't know each other so this could be avoided."
Go to the gym: "I know this is good for me, but currently am not in the mood. Yes I know I will feel better once I go, but right now I'd rather take a nap, get work done, really anything that is a good excuse to delay this. Ok you can do this, you'll actually go if you do it sooner than later. Get your butt up and out the door!"
Make dinner: " This again?! Can I wave a magic wand and have this all done? I love cooking, but it never ends, like dishes. Ok, what can I think about or listen to that will make this more enjoyable? What is going to happen when I have kids, I know this will be even more challenging, but its so much better for us when we have home cooked food and don't buy out a lot. The sooner I start, the sooner I finish."
Go to the grocery store: " I hope I put everything on my list. Does Alex actually like the meal plan I made for this week? It would be nice if someone could simply give me a meal plan and grocery list for the week. IT is the planning part and decisions that is more draining for me. I know I like the end result, but I sure wish I was quicker with my creativity. Its so easy to get in a rut, but takes so much more thought to break the mold. Yah, yah, yah... there are no short cuts. Is this really making me better?!"
As you see I constantly am negotiating with myself to step out. Discipline is a daily choice, but the more you do it the more you begin to enjoy it. All these things are habits I've had to work at improving in. They are not my natural default, but in intentionally doing them I've seen benefits I wouldn't trade for anything. Often our emotions are fleeting and require us to test them. I hope this helps you feel more empowered to do so as well. You're not alone. You are built for the discomfort zone... but you have to dare to step into it.